DIY: Pimp My Shelf

There is still room for improvement in our apartment. Since before I moved in, there was this living room shelf with two glass door cabinets and space for a TV. Meanwhile, we threw away the TV and I had built a shelf for books and board games within that space. Yet, I wasn’t happy with the optical design of the top part. That beautiful dragon panel looked lost, the middle board always looked messy, and it felt like something is missing (I like shelfs and cabinets that almost reach the ceiling).


See the background, not just the pretty girl!

Moreover, there are further considerations that play a role for my idea of changing the shelf into something more useful and pretty:

  • Soon, we will be a family of four, and what is now our “study room” will then be the baby room. I need to find another place where I can work (on my computer) while that room is occupied. We need to make use of the little space we have as efficiently as possible!
  • The design should also be interesting, funny and appealing for Kids.
  • You (Tsolmo) like fancy lighting a lot. There should be some lamps somewhere in the shelf.
  • The right cabinet hosts my wife’s Buddhist shrine for her daily chanting and bowing rituals. This won’t be changed.
  • The window of the door in the middle bottom also broke and had to be replaced. Since children like to draw everywhere in the apartment (except on paper while sitting at a table), I decided to turn it into a drawing board.

That last point was the easiest: I cut a thin wood board and attached it in the door frame. Paper sheets (A3 format) can be taped onto it. Your scribbles fill a sheet within a week, then it is replaced by a new blank sheet.

Since the two cabinets look, somehow, like towers, I thought that “roofs” might look good. The left cabinet got a simple gabled roof. For the right one, with the shrine underneath, I imagined a temple-like roof that can display the dragon board. I designed a ridge with two dragon heads and what I thought of as “asian style decoration”. The roof in the typical Asian temple roof shape rests on four wooden corner pillars. The back and one side is covered with red paper. Inside the roof, almost invisible from the outside, is a socket for a light bulb. With a red light bulb, the lighting looks very “temple-ish”, I think.


The middle part is covered with a flatter but wider gabled roof. This one, too, has a light bulb socket in it. With a yellow light bulb, the decorative items on this shelf board are nicely illuminated. A small compartment on the right side with a door can be used for storing some “ugly” things that I don’t want to “stand around” openly. The coloured LED strip that I attached along the concrete beam behind a shielding board on the ceiling provides additional pretty light effects.

2017-12-02 18.20.31

For the space in the center of the shelf, I had the idea to construct a desk. I modified the earlier version of a book shelf so that I can place a PC screen and a small hifi system in it. At the right height, I attached a table leaf with hinges so that it can be folded upwards. The two legs of the table are also attached with hinges so that they can be folded inwards with the whole table then being completely flat (see the photos if my description is confusing). Now I can set up my laptop (connect to the additional screen, the hifi device and the network router (faster than wifi)) within a minute, and remove it easily whenever the kids need the space for playing. The material for this desk (table leaf, legs) and new parts of the shelf (boards, wood bars) are from a bed that a neighbour wanted to throw away (expenses: 0NT$). The whole thing cost me 400NT$ (~11€) for hinges, screws and paint.



Happy 2nd Birthday

Dear Tsolmo!

Today is your 2nd birthday! For two years you breathe this planet’s air now, and you never stopped giving us maximum amounts of joy and amazement, triggering our unconditional love and endless happiness! Our angel! We celebrate you every day, but today is an opportunity to share the joy with everyone who wants to join in! Happy birthday, Tsolmo!


It is also an opportunity to reflect on the past two years. Three things amaze me the most: your eating habits, your sleeping habits, and your health. They are so remarkable because I expected these to be the most difficult aspects of fatherhood, but they go astonishingly well!

I am in charge of your food, at least your regular meals. You eat everything I prepare for you! All the vegetables, fish and seafood, beans and grains, all the spices (Italian herbs, curry), Goji berries, etc. You love to eat fruits (especially bananas, guava, tangerines, apples, papaya, cherries, and even buddha heads!), and often prefer them over cookies or other snacks. We almost never have to throw away half-eaten meals, and you often don’t need any snacks between meals (except fruits). We seldom have “drama” at the dining table, and if so then because you want to play with toys or read books while eating which we sometimes don’t allow (for practical reasons). I am sure you get all the important nutrition in sufficient amounts so that we don’t need to give you any food additives. At the same time, you don’t eat too much fat or carbohydrates (sugar, starch, flour). You are physically very well developed and strong, also very active. Currently, your 92cm height and 13.4kg weight are at the upper range of 2-year-olds worldwide (according to a WHO table).

Besides the unproblematic eating behaviour, you also sleep extraordinarily well! We often put you to bed at 8pm or a bit later. Usually, you sleep latest at 9pm. You seldom wake up during the night. I mean, REALLY SELDOM! I can count the events with two hands, and all those happened during an illness. We can always sleep until 7am, at least, often even longer. Additionally, you have a nap of 90-120 minutes after lunch. I believe, this good sleep has several positive consequences, like a very stable temper, high mobility, activity and energy during the awake time, good attention and curiosity, good mood and playfulness!

Both, eating and sleeping, definitely have a positive impact on the third astonishing fact about your life so far: You have never been really sick. A few (maybe 5?) light illnesses (colds) with elevated temperature (which hardly count as ‘fever’) and runny nose. Teething hasn’t been any problem, you never (NEVER!) had any digestion problem like stomach ache (as far as we can tell) or diarrhea, you never vomited, you didn’t even have rashes on your butt! The worst problem you have to deal with is mosquito bites that we can’t prevent 100%.

Probably, all three aspects are connected and related. Good sleep means good activity. Good activity means good appetite. Good appetite means enough nutrition. Everything together means good health. Good health (physical and mental) means good sleep. And so on. I hope we (your parents) and you in cooperation can keep this cycle running for as long as possible!


My Misanthropy – 2. Friendships

2. Friendships

When I was 20, my friend introduced the psychological test The Cube to me. I had to relax and focus on my mental awareness. My friend talked me through the scenery. I found myself in a desert. I saw a sand desert (like an extended beach) with dark yellow sand dunes and a dark blue sky. The atmosphere was pleasant and calm. The line of the horizon was more or less in the middle of my image. Now, the first object appeared: a cubic structure. Immediately, in front of my inner eye, a monolithic black massive cube stood firmly and unshakably in the desert sand. It had a metallic flawless surface that nothing could ever scratch. Certainly, it wasn’t hollow, even though we would never be able to find out. The second item was a ladder. I found an old wooden ladder leaning on one of the cube’s walls, about half the height. It was slightly damaged, with missing and broken rungs. Actually, it looked a bit like the old ladder in our horse barn. Now, a horse entered the picture. An impressively majestic black horse, rearing like the one on the Ferrari logo. It stood in a slight distance on the rear left of the cube. The next thing, a storm, didn’t want to fit into my desert. There was no space for a storm, it felt wrong. After a bit of hesitation, I settled my unease with a twister that roamed around at the horizon on the right. It added up to the impressive scenery by being at save distance (certainly never coming closer) and by being an impressive natural phenomenon itself. The last element that I had to add to the picture was flowers (or only one, if that seems more appropriate). A well arranged flower bed, yellow-red flowers surrounded by red bricks, appeared in front of the cube. It felt a bit misplaced, but was much more acceptable than the storm.


After returning to this world, my friend explained to me that all the elements in this image mean something and tell something about me. The desert depicts my soul, the cube is me (or the image I have of myself, my ego), the ladder symbolises friendships, the horse is my partner, the storm represents my perception of problems in my life, and the flowers stand for my (future) children. I learned that my soul is balanced and grounded, that I have a huge ego and strong self-confidence, that the main connection to my partner is admiration and that I wish her to have a strong and independent character, that my life is obviously free from any troubles and problems, and that my ideal concerning my future children will be to take good care of them and let them flourish. I skipped the ladder, here, because I want to talk about this particular item, since this article is about friendship. I may talk about the other insights in other blog posts, maybe. Or I leave it to your interpretation.

The ladder was short (in comparison to the cube), useless and weak. It leaned on the cube and didn’t seem to attract anyone’s attention, like a forgotten tool or discarded trash. The book that my friend used to interpret my picture suggested for this case: Friendships don’t mean much to me. It is rather me who is a stronghold and listener for others who see me as a friend, but not vice versa. My friends don’t lift me up or support me reaching different (higher) spheres. The fact that my ladder is old and broken might hint at past disappointments or other negative experiences with friends. Moreover, while my self appeared indestructible, eternal and firm, my friendships appear labile, perishable and transient.

I can’t tell whether psychology tests like this one make any sense or have any empiric foundation, or if they are not better than astrology and horoscopes. I know from my own experience, playing this game with many of my friends, that it very often resembles the life situation or worldviews of the proband. A woman with huge problems at her job (causing her a broken partnership) had a very strong and devastating storm in her image, blowing away her horse. Another friend who made the conscious decision never to have kids had the flowers trampled down and eaten by the horse. A friend that I would characterise as a dreamer with emotional weaknesses had a fragile glass cube floating above the sand. Let’s just assume for a moment that the depictions somehow represent the actual attitudes and personality traits of the image-maker. In my case, the ladder I visualised made very much sense to me!

I was never a dominant person that had a large group of peers and buddies around. Dominant and loud people scared me. My circle of friends has always been rather small. As a teenager, I had my Pannonia friends, my band mates, and around 5-6 good friends in my class at school. I had no friends in my village except the two boys in my class at Gymnasium. I was boy scout and member of the table tennis club in Hoetmar until the age of 14, and after that didn’t keep any contact with any of the boys and girls there. After Abitur (final exam of Gymnasium), most of the friendships faded away, because I didn’t really feel any urge to maintain them. In many cases I was happy that I didn’t have to meet those idiots anymore, in other cases they were happy that they didn’t have to meet me anymore. I remember, six months after end of Gymnasium, I complained to my best friend Jonas that he and some others meet up but never invite me. He replied that he felt like I don’t fit into that group and that the others don’t have a good image of me. Honestly, I never found out what is wrong with me. I can’t remember being rude or mean or offensive. I guess it has to do with the massive black cube…

The same happened after graduating from university. The few friendships I established – I was never a member of the Club of Cool People – just faded away after some time. When I left Germany in 2013 for Asia, I didn’t feel like leaving any important friendships behind. With modern communication facilities (social media, chat programs), I tried to keep in touch with some friends, but the mutual interest dropped rapidly after being out of sight. At my new (and current) home Taiwan, I only have rather superficial friendships with language exchange partners and (ex) band mates. The interest in what I have to share (for example in this blog, or on facebook) is close to zero. I guess, most people in my friend list on facebook unfollowed my posts. The focus of my current life is you (Tsolmo) and your Mom, besides my books, my music, and my writing.

Why am I so bad at maintaining friendships? Option 1: I am a complete idiot that nobody can like or get along with. Feedback from my wife, from family members, from friends, shows me that I am not that bad. My flaws are at a reasonable level, like everyone has flaws. Option 2: I don’t care. This is what the ladder in the desert image suggests. Friends don’t raise me up. I do! Friends come and go, anyway. Why invest energy, then? An important aspect might also be that I am the kind of person that is very much de-motivated by criticism and personal complaint. I tend to focus on things that I know I am good at and that I know I have a chance to get praised for. I will never sing an unknown song in Karaoke because there is a chance of failure and looking like a fool. I don’t like dancing in a club but would rather play the drums on stage. I will rather choose to meet a friend who likes to hear my advice on something than a group of people who might choose to do something that I am afraid of (like going ice skating). Whenever I feel unpleasant or stressful with people, I will give up trying to be their friend. This was the case with class mates at school, with those at university, with colleagues, and even band mates. Additionally, I am a total homey! I don’t like to go out drinking (but rather invite some buddies to come to my place and have a beer here!), am too thrifty to waste money for expensive drinks or food in restaurants and cafés (but rather invite… see above), and feel most comfortable at home, doing the things that I like (reading, writing, DIY, cooking, baking,…). So, it seems, I just don’t care about friendships.

How is this linked to misanthropy? The crucial question is: Does my situation make me unhappy or even depressed, or not? It is surprisingly difficult for me to answer this, and I spend quite some time and effort on finding out. Psychologists (like my ex-girlfriend, and in many books and research articles) often point out the strong link between firm embedment in social relations and perceived life quality and satisfaction. People with either quantitatively (many) or qualitatively (good) well established friendships are happier, less depressed, more successful and healthier. If that is true, I should be unhappy and gloomy. At the same time, I wonder if it is this generalised insight from the psychologists that causes me pressure and dissatisfaction, but not my situation as such, since I don’t feel unhappy with only few friends and little social interaction. As I explained, I am happy doing the things that I do, and I don’t need friends to ease my mind, because as an introvert I do that remotely on my own. Yet, it bothers me that obviously nobody is interested in my thoughts, ideas and reflections. The quantity is not an issue, but maybe the quality is!

What is a good friend, then? I define friendship mostly via communication. A friend is someone who is willing to share his or her thoughts and ideas, and to listen to my thoughts and ideas and talk about them. Conversations with a good friend don’t need to have any limits or restriction, we can just talk what we feel like. Especially, friends may give each other direct and honest feedback, something that not so close people shouldn’t do! I want a friend who can tell me “Your idea is wrong! Look how you appear like an idiot in this or that situation!“, but also “Wow, I never thought like this! Thanks for the inspiration!“. The basis is, of course, a mutual interest in each other and the other’s well-being. Unfortunately, in the age of facebook, instagram & co., real personal interest is rare. People have 2000 friends in their list, but don’t care about any of them like “traditional” friends. People lose interest when having to read more than three lines of text, but only want to see photos or funny memes. Same as I am not good at (and not interested in) small talk about meaningless nonsense, I am also not good at (in the sense of not willing to) sharing private photos and irrelevant trivial daily-life choices and decisions (like what to eat or what to wear or what to buy). A friend is someone who can give me inspiration, sometimes confirmation, sometimes criticism. I expect open-mindedness, honesty, the willingness to use the brain, and a consciously chosen high level of ethical integrity.

It means: Maybe I would care more about friendships if there were people around me that are worth it? Now, this is a highly offensive statement, of course! And THIS is the misanthropy I am talking about! My image of people in general is so low that I don’t see any necessity in making anybody my friend. If you don’t understand what I am talking about when reflecting on mindfulness, epistemology, constructivism, ethics, good life conduct, then leave it and don’t waste my time! If you don’t appreciate my cognitive skills and my creativity, then I am also not interested in you! I am working on and eliminating my own flaws, but if you are not willing to even face yours, then I have difficulties having any respect for you! You smoke? Weakling! You wear make-up? Mindless consumer! You think philosophy is useless? End of the conversation! You hate jazz? Goodbye!

Obviously, my expectation on people is very very high! Some (my Mom, for example) interpret that as arrogance. I look down on people, obviously. I disagree. I am very self-critical! I have many flaws! I am not better than anybody else. Sure, I have skills that others don’t have, but others have skills that I don’t have and never will have! I am not above anyone, so I can’t look down on anyone. I just demand a lot! Especially smartness and wisdom. And this is the major problem, as mentioned earlier: Most personal flaws are the result of not using the brain properly. The cardinal vice that people can have, the deadliest sin, is idiocy. I try very hard to eliminate all idiocy from my personality and character. However, I can’t see this attempt in many people. That’s what I dislike about people: lack of effort on self-reflection and self-cultivation! That’s my misanthropy and the reason for me having so little motivation to build friendships.

Or, maybe, I didn’t meet the right people, for reasons that are my very own problem. Fear (of failure, of humiliation, of trouble), attachment (in the Buddhist sense, to my habits and patterns), bitterness (from past experiences). Instead, I am King in my castle. The massive black cube…

To close this topic, here is one last message to you, Tsolmo: Don’t be like your father! Probably, you won’t experience your father as a very social person, going out with his buddies, often inviting visitors, or giving friendships an outstanding value. Yet, I hope you won’t become an asocial person like me! Meet friends, invite them to our home, visit theirs, establish strong bonds that give you emotional and cognitive support! It is important for your independence and for your personal development and integrity! You may take me as an idol in some respect, but please not in this one!

Gender Construction

A while ago, we all (you, your Mom, me) went to the market together, passing by a baby and children clothes vendor. Since you needed new pants, we made use of a good offer: buying three pants for a discount. When choosing the three pants, it turned out that your Mom and me had quite different ideas of what would be good colours and designs for you. She chose mostly girlish items, pink, cute and with decorative applications. I preferred neutral colours with subtle patterns and designs that support outdoor activities and climbing play structures (you may say: somehow boyish pants). That made me think about gender roles and their formation. As a constructivist, it is out of question for me that gender roles and expectations are the result of socialisation and culture. Nowhere in our biology it is determined that female humans have to be or do like this and that male humans have to be or do like that. Gender shouldn’t even be a big deal! In reality, in many social spheres (education, job life, sexuality and partnership, etc.) it definitely is, but I don’t want to support that by indoctrinating you with such ideology. It starts with simple things like choosing clothes for you, is supported by our choice of toys, by the tasks we give to you and the expectations we have on your behaviour, performance and character, and might even amount to our idea of your partnerships and sexual orientation. I want you to grow into a free, open-minded, self-confident, self-fulfilled and happy person! I wish you will be able to choose freely from all the possible options that come along your way. There must not be any gender restrictions. It doesn’t matter if you dress yourself like a girl or like a boy, as long as you are happy with your choice! It doesn’t matter if your favourite hobbies and activities are typically boy’s domains or rather girlish, as long as you feel satisfied with how you express yourself and your skills. Be creative! Be weird! Be yourself! And don’t let any narrow-minded traditionalist tell you anything different! Gender (which must not be mixed up with biological sexes) is an element of the mind-deluding matrix that limits your freedom and diminishes your life quality. In the Buddhist sense, it is part of the suffering. Better rid yourself of that concept. As parents, we should give you all the support to do so!


Two important topics are connected to this: Gender disorders and sexuality. Biologically, you are a girl. Maybe someday you will feel something is wrong with it and it turns out you are actually a boy in a girl’s body. This is not a seldom phenomenon. But from my point of view, this “problem” is only amplified by the stress that is put on you in form of gender role expectations. Your identity and personal integrity shouldn’t depend on whether your appearance and biological gender is matching with your actual emotional and cognitive perception. With this mindset, there can’t be any “disorder”, because the “order” is a flawed constructed idea. A friend asked me if I would mind if you were homosexual. Of course not! Who am I to decide who you love or who you feel sexually attracted to?! Again: Make free choices that suit you! Observe yourself and increase the chance that your choices are sustainable and viable! Be happy! What your actual choices are, then, is rather secondary.

DIY project: Tsolmo’s New Bed

Now you are almost 19 months old and it was time for a new bed. In your baby bed, you ripped off the mosquito net and everything you can reach from there. Also, you often throw your animals out (intentionally or not) and cry when you can’t get them back. Therefore, I decided to build a new bed for you that satisfies all our needs, especially yours. In general, there are several reasons for choosing to build a DIY bed over buying a bed: When the room fashion requires a customised bed (in terms of size, shape, etc.), when the main idea is to design the bed with a certain theme (like “Knights’ Castle”, “Pirate ship”, or something like that), or simply when one loves to do DIY. In this case, it is mainly the latter reason. As your father, one way to express my love for you and my concern about your life quality is to manifest my creativity and crafts skills in a unique item that is just for you! What could be better than your own special bed with features that you like?! However, also the former two reasons play a role here: In the corner in which the bed would be placed it covers part of a window, which requires a special construction, and I thought of some features that are important, necessary, or at least “cool” for you. These were the criteria that played a role in my planning of the bed:

  • Stability – Above all, the bed must be stable, indestructible, not shaking, without any parts that can be broken off or easily disassembled. I expect that you will romp a lot in your bed, so it must be able to withstand your intended and unintended violence!
  • Safety – There must be no corners, sharp edges, protruding screws or nails, rough wood, or anything that threatens your freedom from pain. The chance of accidents and injuries in and around the bed should be as close to zero as possible!
  • Mosquito-proof – There are many mosquitoes and other bugs in Taiwan. You should be safe from them while sleeping!
  • Confinement – You are still not able to decide for yourself when it is time to sleep. You need a place from which you can’t escape, or you constantly would! This has nothing to do with imprisonment, but is a normal measure for toddlers that makes your life and that of your parents much easier!
  • Storage space – Our apartment is not very big, but we need more and more storage space for the growing demands of the family. I want to make the “dead space” under the bed accessible.
  • Appealing design – This is a Kid’s bed! It must be colourful and attractive! Moreover, since you showed to us that you like decorative and effective lighting a lot, I want to integrate fancy and child-suitable lamps.
  • Flexibility – While growing up you will change your interests and demands. Sooner or later we can detach the door, for example, or you will ask us to change the colour. Maybe we can even add a “second floor” playground. It will be good if we could change some elements easily then!

From this list it may be concluded that the new bed must be completely closed on all sides (because of the mosquito prevention). I chose to design a house- or hut-like bed. Since it will stand in a corner, only two “walls” have to be built (lattices with black mosquito net). Six main posts (4 in the corners, 2 in the middle of the long sides) will carry the “roof”. We already had a mattress (188x100cm) with a simple bed (bottom part and head storage) as well as fence parts of your playpen. This served as starting material and as orientation for the overall size of the bed. In order to make the bed more comfortable, I thought of covering the edges with cushions. For those, we ordered cold-cure foam (4cm thick) online and got a beautiful flower-design fabric from IKEA. Your Mom organised a sewing machine and helped sewing the cushion covers that were then attached with the foam pieces onto boards and then to the bed scaffold.


Here is the base construction with the six posts and the side cushions (the door element still missing):


In the photo, you can also see one of the challenges of the project: There is a window behind half of the bed. In order to block your access to it from inside the bed, and to be able to maintain the curtain of the window properly, I built a board shield that leaves 7cm space between window and bed whereas on the left side the bed finishes with the wall. Of course, this protruding part also had to be covered with a cushion. The three posts on the left side are fixed on the wall with screws. The front of the bed is the head part of the bed we had. On the right long side, I attached boards that leave space for two large drawers on the floor under the bed. The most important tools I used were a jigsaw for preparing the various wood parts, and a cordless electric drill for assembling. Sawing and painting the wood was difficult but not impossible in the narrow space of the entrance area of our apartment…


I painted the base frame of the bed in red (except the playpen elements) and the scaffold of the roof in blue. My original idea to also paint the inside roof boards blue was dropped after finding that it looks better with the original bright colour of the boards. For the inside lighting, I attached a 5m LED strip on top of narrow boards around the roof edge so that it illuminates the roof’s inside while itself invisible for you. This indirect yellowish light creates a warm and gentle atmosphere. Moreover, I put glow-in-the-dark stickers (stars and moons) all over the bed’s ceiling. One of the storage drawers is now a small ball pool for you to play in.



So far you accepted the new bed very well! You obviously like the light and the glow-in-the-dark stars, you are happy to be surrounded by all your toy animals, you jump and romp around, and – most important of all – you sleep very well (from evening to morning without interruption)! Before you fall asleep and after you wake up, you don’t cry or complain but play with the toys and enjoy the big space that you have inside the bed. I hope you will have much joy and good rests for many years in this bed!

Parenting Check: Supporting Your Self-Esteem

I came across a few illustrations by Leonid Khan on which compare “common parents” with “wise parents”. The page originally presented the 10 graphics as the difference between Jewish parents and other parents, which is of course entire nonsense and earned them much criticism (upon which they changed it to the new wording). Whether parents are “common” or bad or wise is not a matter of nationality, culture, ethnicity or religious confession! Rather, we find all kinds of parents with all kinds of attitudes and flaws all around the globe. In today’s letter, however, I don’t want to compare parents. I tried to take the illustrations as an inspiration to check my own behaviour and attitude towards you in our daily life. Since currently I am a houseman and we spend a lot of time together, there are many situations and opportunities to reflect on my (re-)actions and habits. Some of the themes probably don’t apply to you, yet, because you are still too young. But reflection can never start too early! I’ll try to do it reasonably!

  1. Reaction to failure


You are still at the stage of trying many things. Naturally, there is a lot of failure! You want to draw, but hold the pen the wrong way and don’t produce any line. You want to eat by yourself, but whenever you scoop your food, it falls down before reaching your mouth. You want to stack blocks or do a puzzle, but the parts just don’t want to fit! In case of the food, I still help you and usually end up just feeding you. The rationale behind that is a pragmatic one: If eating takes too long you get impatient and whiny, and I don’t want to clean the huge mess that you produce. Maybe that’s wrong. I should just let you do until it works. In case of drawing and puzzling, I try to aid you more passively and let you figure out by yourself how you can make it work. However, this also has limits. You get increasingly frustrated when the piece doesn’t fit. Guiding your hand, hopefully, delivers the message “See! There is always a way! Just keep trying, for example like this…”. I observe that you are a fast learner, trying to copy what I do (for example, turning and twisting the puzzle piece until it fits). So, a little assistance can support your exploratory learning process. I have to be careful, though, not to be too impatient when you don’t succeed in your efforts immediately, but let you experience the feeling of failure and the sense of achievement after keeping trying. You are not too young for anything! Just not experienced enough. Providing situations to gain this experience is my task as your father!

  1. Supervising your activities


The point, here, is that you feel more trusted when we let you do things without constant supervision. As in all the eight examples in this article, the pragmatic considerations we as parents have to make are risk and safety estimations. There is never no risk! You can always trip, fall down, hit your head, bump into something, etc. We keep the really dangerous things (electricity, fire, blades, falling heavy objects, etc.) away from you. In this environment, we can let you move freely and safely everywhere in our apartment without having to worry about anything that exceeds the “base risks”. When you find trash (and with your perfect eyesight you find the tiniest pieces of dust in the corners!) and show it to me, I tell you to throw it into the trash bin, and you go there and throw it in. I trust you on that and don’t watch you doing it. You come back with a proud face and clap your hands, me joining in. On the playground, you climb the play structures and slide down all by yourself. I usually stand in some distance and let you enjoy it without giving you the feeling that something could go wrong and that you would need assistance. Just do it! You seem cautious, but not fearful or afraid, and you are always happy when you find out that you can do something by yourself!

  1. Letting you get dirty


I failed on this one this week. When we played in the garden of our community, I scolded you for picking the soil from the flowerbeds and for being more interested in all the dirt than in the play structure and the toys. You still put many things into your mouth, so I worry you eat the dirt you pick up. I am still too concerned about your health (not so much about the cleanness of your clothes and hands). I should let you play more in the mud, especially when we are close to home where we can clean you again! I spent most of my childhood in the mud (in the countryside), so I should know how happy it can make a Kid! Relax, Daddy!

  1. Your intended achievement vs. The actual outcome


The point, here, is different from the previous illustration: It is not so much about fun over cleanness, but more about intention over outcome. At this young age, you have (maybe not yet, but soon) an undisturbed, untamed creativity and the urge to explore and transform the world you find. Making a cake, as in the graphic, is just one example. Painting something, building something, helping with housework, anything that you observe your parents do – could be other examples. Your intentions are always good: You want to make a gift for your beloved parents, or you just want to do something well. Naturally, at the age of 18 months, there is not much you do, yet, so there are not many situations in which the approaches illustrated here would apply. As mentioned earlier, you like to throw trash into the trash bin. Sometimes, however, you classify things as “trash” that actually are not. Once I told you emphatically that you must not put that into the trash, but of course that has no effect! You will just not understand why throwing away one thing gives you a praise, throwing away another earns you a scold. You firmly believe you did a good job. So I reminded myself of always thanking you whenever you did something out of your own motivation that you learned in earlier situations, no matter how “wrong” it is in this context, no matter how poor the result is, and no matter how much work it causes me to reverse the result of your effort.

  1. Your energy level


You sleep very well and, as an effect, are very active and attentive when awake. You run around a lot, climb everything that can be climbed (recently also the dining table) and often jump around like crazy. Sometimes I find myself trying to calm you down or stop you from jumping too wild on the couch. I shouldn’t! However, again, I think there is the reasonable pragmatic limit of safety! And a second consideration is the experience with the phenomenon of you being “over-tired” (I wonder if there is a proper term for that): Sometimes you are so tired that you get carefree and coltish, like in a state of euphoria, extremely rebellious and – with a 100% certainty – ending up crying, either after hurting yourself, or when we have to stop you and put you into bed. In such a state, it would be very unwise to wait for you running out of energy! Most of the time, however, it is a big joy for us to watch your energy and untamed vitality! Why would we stop you?

  1. Do it by yourself


As far as I understand, the idea of this picture is not “You can do it by yourself!”, but rather “You have to do it by yourself!”. It wants to deliver the idea that Kids must not always rely on their parents fixing everything for them, but learning that sometimes (and according to their abilities, of course) they need to get active by themselves. For a Kid of your age, there are not many situations, yet, in which this approach applies. All I can think of now is eating your food (insisting on you eating by yourself when you ask for being fed), playing with your toys (including opening boxes and bags, stacking blocks, solving puzzles, etc.), and climbing stairs or play structures (which you usually ask no assistance for). In the future, there will be more situations in which I hopefully remember to find the right balance between helping you (to not disappoint and frustrate you) and insisting on you doing it by yourself (even at the risk of failure, see point 1). So far, you want to be independent rather a bit too much than not enough. You are far from being a “lazy” Kid!

  1. Support your sharing ability


In contrast to the other seven illustrations that all show a particular attitude of parenting that aim at certain effects, this one here depicts a result (or an effect). It is, of course, desirable to support the formation of a habit of sharing, rather than having to be forced to share. The question is what parenting approaches and attitudes can support that. Apparently, you have a good sense of sharing. When I cut a Mango for you and give a small fork to you, you take turns putting a piece into your mouth and feeding one to me. You also do that with your main meals. You are very happy offering your food to us, which might be an expression of copying our behaviour (feeding you) in a playful way, rather than a truly virtuous act of sharing. However, our reaction (appreciation and expression of happiness and fun) will hopefully motivate you to form a habit of sharing. When someday you have a sibling we’ll come back to that…

  1. Reward your efforts


This is a very important point! I appreciate the illustrator’s choice to present the “bad” Mom with her attention focused on her smartphone, a serious symptom of our modern society. I try to leave my phone at my work desk, so that it doesn’t distract me whenever I deal with you, especially while feeding and playing with you. This gives me the capacity to really “spend time with you” (instead of just being around). I hope you can sense my appreciation of and admiration for everything you do! Same as for point 4, you don’t produce much that can be rewarded or praised. I posted some of your “drawings” on this blog, and the Mother’s Day gift that we prepared together is exposed on the fridge door so that all visitors can see it. I am sure that in the future you will give me many opportunities to show my pride and admiration for anything you do! I expect that this won’t be difficult for me!


All (human) life and its decision-making is risk estimation. As parents, we have to reflect day in day out on questions like “Is it OK for you or not? Is it safe or not? Is the risk level acceptable or not?”. In this framework, your self-esteem and your own ability to assess the acceptability of risk levels to which you expose yourself have to develop. Finding the right balance within this tension of “letting you do” and “keeping you safe” is not always easy. I tend to be too cautious in some situations (stopping your wildness, keeping you clean when playing outside), and I am convinced to do it right in others (not creating an atmosphere of caution when you climb the play structure, but letting you explore it by yourself). The most critical phase for most of these attitudes is yet to come, at a time when your abilities are more manifold and your urges to do something creative and effective will have grown. I hope I can establish a mindful awareness for the effects of my own habits and behaviours that trigger the formation of certain traits in you – one of them being a healthy self-esteem. Then we will see if Mrs. Khan’s illustrations prove helpful as an inspiration for self-reflection!